It's time for me to put down some thoughts on the girl situation.

I am still recovering from a relationship that lasted almost a year. The girl was a wonderful person: smart, caring, and good looking. But for some reason the relationship was difficult for me. I spend a lot of time unhappy. I'm not really sure why. When we were together, in each others physical presence, there were very few problems of any kind. But on a telephone, our relationship could do no right. Through the rest of this post I will try to evaluate what relationship baggage that I may have going on. Nothing like putting your dirty laundry on display to make you want to wash it, eh?

I've complained vocally about this girl wanting constant attention from me, and my frustrations with that. But the deeper question, and the question that I am faint to ask, is what is it with me that made this trifle such an issue?  I have called people frequently in the past. Why not this time? Was it laziness? Procrastination? Disinterest? Fear? To tell the truth, I am not sure.

My best guess is that it has to do with me being deeply afraid of commitments - especially commitments with consequences. I didn't want to make a commitment to call on a schedule- What if I forgot and missed the call? I didn't want to make a habit of calling at a certain time- what if I had other more pressing things to do? So I simply said "I'll call as often as I can" and put it on my mental to-do list. Invariably, I forgot. Invariably, she felt that my silence meant that I didn't care. I felt guilty about it, vaguely promising to "do better next time" but still without committing to anything. It became a spiral that produced hurt for her, and guilt for me.

Guilt. Guilt is one of the most often felt emotions in my life. I feel guilty about not working hard enough, about not doing things fast enough, about not saying or doing the right thing, about not following up the way I told myself that I should. Guilt for not saying no, even though I didn't care. Guilt for not caring, even though I was supposed to. Guilty for making her feel bad. Guilt sucks time and energy out of me, because I waste energy feeling bad, waste time thinking about what could have been done, and robs me of confidence in my next decision.

If I am to heal and be the person I want to be, I need to let go of the guilt.

Another thing that I complained about was that she always presented me with ultimatums: "I can't accept a person who does/doesn't do X, If you want to be with me you must accommodate."  This really was painful for me, because I felt like I was being threatened: "Change who you are or we are through." Needless to say, I never handled it very well. I got angry. I got defensive. I argued and clawed.

On one level I  recognized that everybody has needs in a relationship, and that everybody has to go out and find the person to best meet those needs. On another I rebelled at the non-negotiability of it: Become this or leave. There's not much wiggle room there, not much place for me. I didn't understand why whatever little thing was so important, and why I had to change to fit these weird requirements. So I tried to negotiate: "Why don't we just do that, which is so much better/ easier/ more convenient than this?"

At the end of the day, I didn't want to change. I was afraid that these changes were giving up my individuality, my burgeoning independence. I felt like I fought hard to be who I am, and I wasn't about to just throw away big parts of myself just to stay with someone.  To be fair, though, I don't think she realized that her requests were having the effect that they did. I think she thought she was asking me to bend on some trivial matter, when the truth was the opposite.

I need to be more clear about what is important to me and why. To do that I need to really know what my priorities are.

The third complaint that I had is that I always had the feeling of imbalance. I constantly felt like I was bending over backwards, doing things that were really uncomfortable. Rather than getting recognized, I felt that I was unappreciated, unnoticed,  martyring myself to some romantic stereotype. Why should I do so much uncomfortable stuff when she seems to do nothing?

I say 'seems' to be because she assures me that she felt  the same way. I'm sure that in her own way, she is trying just as hard as me. But that knowledge doesn't help me to feel more at ease. I don't feel better from just knowing that she is trying, I feel better when I see it firsthand. And that firsthand experience is missing. Never have I been surprised and exclaimed: "Oh, you did that for me? Thank You!" Instead, when I find out where her effort goes, my response is usually "please don't." She always put effort into my physical needs, with cooking and shopping, but these areas were areas that I have been consciously trying to take care of myself. Because of that, I think all her effort was seen as intrusive, rather than helpful.

I need to allow people to help me without resenting it.